Baby 101

Henry here - OK, we just returned home from our first OB Education class, "Baby Basics", at the hospital. There were about 10 couples there tonight and as guys will be guys, I immediately noticed the fathers-to-be gauging the competition - "my wife is more pregnant than your wife" sort of thing. Yes, I did it too. I have to say, it was pretty stiff competition but I'm sure Lorraine at least medalled. As I had to give up playing in my softball league tonight (I told the guys I had a client dinner rather than saying I was going to learn about new babies), I had to take the competitive edge off somehow.

This was the first in a series of classes for which we have signed up and it was a pretty hard and fast indoctrination. I must admit, even as a self-proclaimed fast-learner, it was a lot to take in but I think I did quite alright. As proof, I present to you my Top 10 list for today - "Top 10 Important Facts I Learned Tonight in my Baby Basics Education Class":

1. Newborns can develop a blister in the center of their top lip due to sucking their thumb while in the womb - ("Don't pick it off," the instructor said; like who would?)

2. Newborns heads can look like E.T.'s for the first few days before rounding out - (i.e. Coneheads on SNL)

3. Newborns only see up to 10 inches at birth - (I'll be sure to hold the birth week's issue of The Economist within this distance so Lauren can catch up on the current events that coincide with her birth in December - perhaps "Confirmed: Democrats take back the House" - early conditioning and edification)

4. At birth, genitalia are swollen and large due to hormonal influence while in the womb but soon subside afterwards - (I guess this would lead to some naive fathers misinterpreting the "manliness" of their new son at birth)

5. Pacifier thermometers are unreliable 28% of the time so don't use it - (too bad; the handle seemed like it would be convenient for dislodging following rectal measurements)

6. Machismo of fathers-to-be causes uncomfortableness in such an environment - (we didn't ask any questions about babies but heck, we were very manly by quickly forking over our moolah, the $15 to buy the recommended "Baby 411" book at the session - "the denominations of my bills are larger than yours")

7. Hoag Hospital offers "Rooming-In", which is a single, private room that advocates a family setting (I sleep there too with Lorraine and Lauren) for 48 hours - (I'll be sure to pack my PS2, stack of that week's magazines, and my DVD boxed-set, "New York Yankees, Fall Classics 1996-2001")

8. There's a fail-safe baby holding technique called the "Football Carry" where you reach around and grab the baby's opposite thigh while cradling; it seemed very secure - (now if only the Jet's Curtis Martin can return soon from injury and adopt this technique; it may help out NYJ's worrisome turnover ratio this season)

9. Swaddling, which is tightly wrapping your baby "burrito-style" in a blanket, is a miraculously effective way to calm a restless baby - (OK, but how do you do chips and salsa?)

10. Lorraine was the most beautiful person in attendance tonight - ("My wife is more lovely than your wife")


OK, this entry didn't turn out so short after all. I guess I'm still pumped after my "victory" tonight - bring on the Gatorade shower...